Hospital's around the world, though predominantly in the United States, are experiencing the highest number of heart attacks and breathing emergencies in teenage girls than ever before as Kevin Jonas, guitarist and oldest member of the Jonas Brothers, a popular boy band, has his engagement announced. The announcement, made on the boy's myspace by the Jonas Parents themselves has sent the teenage girls (and gay boys) of America into shock. Some are hyperventilating to the point where they can no longer breathe on their own as others suffer nearly fatal heart attacks.
Dr. R. Sole says "It's amazing - we've never seen anything like this. Heart related emergencies are highly abnormal, especially in women between the ages of 1 and 30. However, today alone I have overseen care for at least 14 girls between the ages of 6 and 19 who have needed AED care, CPR, Rescue Breathing or other intense care. I have to admit, I was confused and suspected a horrible epidemic was harming these girls, perhaps a makeup manufacturer was in need of a recall, but then I saw the announcement of the engagement of Kevin Jonas and my mind panicked - this was WAY worse than a makeup faux pas!"
Dr. Fah Q comments "For the first time in my life, I treated a girl who was in danger of death due to having lost too much water in her body." What was the source of the water loss? Dr. Fah Q states that the sudden drop in H2O levels in the girl was due to intense sobbing.
With Drs. R. Sole and Fah Q being only two of MANY medicinally trained professionals experiencing this influx of normally healthy teenagers at hospitals, the country and potentially world may be entering a state of panic.
Swine Flu, move over. OJD, or Obsessive Jonas Disorder, has a higher death toll.
Disclaimer: This was completely fabricated...well, mostly at least - I don't think anyone has checked into the hospital as of yet for these reasons and Dr. R. Sole...well come on guys...I know none of you are that stupid.