Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Sammy the Seal Says "Fuck My Life" - My Childhood in Shambles

At work today, while we were waiting for some of the other kids to finish their art projects, a group of three of my campers asked me to read them a book. I instructed them to choose one from the shelves and was quite pleased to seem them bring me a book that I enjoyed a great deal as a child and have not read since.

Some of you may be familiar with/remember the charming little children's book by Syd Hoff called Sammy the Seal. This book is about a seal at the zoo who decides that he would like to take a day off from being at the Zoo to check out the city.

During the course of this book, Sammy the Seal talks to the zoo keeper, asking PERMISSION to leave the zoo as opposed to all of the OTHER children's books where the animal escapes, hangs out down town, is asked for directions by a man in a car, goes to school, takes a taxi cab, sneaks into someone's bathtub and absolutely no one seems to care (except for the bathtub guy, because he wanted to take his bath and the seal interrupted.)

In fact, the only part of this book that seems to be rooted in ANY reality is that when Sammy goes into the school, the children are playing with those nifty letter blocks things - you know what I'm talking about.

Sammy becomes IMMEDIATELY distraught because he doesn't know how to spell! OH MY GOD! SEALS CAN'T SPELL! WHO KNEW?! NOT ME! Anyways, after he angsts for about...a page over not being able to use the blocks to spell simple words like 'cat' and 'toy,' he manages to arrange some of the blocks. They read FML.

Naturally, if I were a seal who was in a school, I would arrange the blocks to read Fuck My Life as well, but since the poor bastard couldn't spell, I suppose FML would have to do, but to see my childhood hero, Sammy the talking, volley ball playing, cab riding seal, declare FUCK MY LIFE, I feel that I no longer have reason to believe in anything. Thanks, Sammy, for abusing my childhood.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Let's Talk Embarassing Moments

Alright, so everyone's all broken up about Panic, well, breaking up, so I've decided that I will detail, in chronological order, three of the stupidest things that I've ever least my favorite three. This was brought on by the reminder of the second event by an old friend.

1. When I was little - maybe six or seven, I used to answer the phone "hello, this is Emily, how may I help you?" This was because my parents had deemed it polite and all that jazz. At any rate, around the same time, during Final Four (NCAA) basketball season, I remember that clearly, the phone rang. My father was watching basketball and he could NOT be dragged from the scree, so I took the call, answering rather horribly with..."Hi, I'm my dad, how may I help you?" This was a COMPLETE accident, I swear to you, it was unintentional. Good fun that.

2. Sophomore year of high school, I was on the phone with my good friend Connie. We talked on the phone A LOT, maybe 2, 3 hours a night because we were on the same cell phone service, so it didn't cost either of us anything to talk to the other. Anyways, it was probably sometime between November and January and I was making hot chocolate while talking to her on the phone. I clearly wasn't focusing, because by the time I was ready to back upstairs, I realized that I had made two mugs - one for me and one for her.

3. Senior year of high school, my friends Jenna, Eleanor and I were partnered up in Biology for the fetal pig dissection. Being about as far from vegetarian as possible, I had no inhibitions about cutting up a still born pig - call me crazy. I was so excited, in fact, that while moving to make an incision, I bumped into the eyewash. The thing went fucking crazy - turned on, water EVERYWHERE, and since no one had ever had to use the eyewash, we managed to accidentally turn it up instead of off. We eventually got the teacher's attention by panicking and screaming.

That concludes today's portion of Em!ly is an Idiot.

Thank you for tuning in!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Panic Breaks Up, Sort Of; Ron Weasley Has...Swine Flu?

Alright, so most of have heard, Panic at the Disco is...some weird combination of broken up and still together. Brendon and Spencer are still Panic, but it is now a band consisting of solely a drummer and a singer - I wish them the best of luck, just as I do Ryan and Jon on their special project consisting of a guitarist and a bassist...

During training at work, one of the counselors looked a lot like my neighbor, but about 10 years older. I went up to him and told him that I think my neighbor will look like him in 10 years. He said "Ha, lucky guy." Today, I learned from my neighbor that they look alike because...and I can't believe this actually happened, THEY'RE COUSINS! I thought it was hilarious, mostly because of the 'lucky guy' comment, you might not.

In other news, I heard today that the Red Headed Phenomenon (otherwise known was Rupert Grint) has SWINE FLU! OH MY GOD! *runs around in complete panic...but not at the disco.* Oh wait...he's recovering, THANK GOD! RON WEASLEY WILL LOVE! Not that I was concerned because A. I hate Harry Potter B. I don't watch the movies C. He's a wizard, so it's not like swine flu could get him anyways.
I will now copy and paste an IM conversation with a friend of mine showing just how OUT OF IT I am right now.

Monopolyfreak101 (17:08): apparently Rupert Grint has/had swine flu...
vkyerie (17:08): BAHAHAHA
Monopolyfreak101 (17:08): yeah
Monopolyfreak101 (17:08): ok
Monopolyfreak101 (17:08): good
Monopolyfreak101 (17:09): I'm not the only person who finds this funny.
vkyerie (17:09): HAHAHA
vkyerie (17:09): poor ginger
Monopolyfreak101 (17:13): ?
Monopolyfreak101 (17:13): oh
Monopolyfreak101 (17:13): ron
Monopolyfreak101 (17:13): haha
Monopolyfreak101 (17:13): wow
Monopolyfreak101 (17:13): I was like Ginger Spice?! WHAT!? DOES SHE HAVE SWINE FLU TOO?!

Work was a bitch and a half today - my neighbor, the one related to my coworker, said that if I wanted him to, he'd phone into work to lodge a complaint against the girl coworker I have who isn't doing their job. I asked him how, exactly, he planned to do this, and he said that would pose as the parent of 'Little Mordecai.' I informed that there were no children at my camp named Mordecai. Plan terminated, but I thought that his name choice was funny.

Well, love and other indoor sports,


Sunday, July 5, 2009

No Potato Salad For Me

Holy motherfucking god almighty.

We must have been the ONLY family that had a 4th of July Picnic WITHOUT the Holiday's staple menu item! SERIOUSLY, who the fuck makes chicken mirabella for the 4th? To me, Independence day is a burger, hot dog and grilled chicken day (Sorry to all of you sexy vegetarians out there, you just miss out).

Anyways, that was the LEAST exciting moment of the weekend!

As I promised, I would do a more detailed entry about the fucking cat. So here it is. My idiot family decided to bring our lovely, but very, very fat cat, Roosevelt, to the mountains with us.
Here you will see the cat next to my computer - my computer is not a small thing, and yet the damn cat is still...well roughly the same size.

Anyways, because my sister, and apparently my step dad, are all cat obsessed, away we went to Washington with the cat. That's right, my cat crossed state border lines. In the car, the cat got dehydrated because A. he's a fat ass and B. it was 95 degrees that day, so the first thing he does when we get to the mountain house? Go to the coldest, darkest place he can find to cool off. Under the deck, which was pretty much under the house.

Thus, the first 4 hours of our vacation were spent lying on a VERY dusty ground calling the scared, pissed off kitty cat to absolutely no avail. The event culminated in your friendly neighborhood politician (well, at least least MY friendly neighborhood politician) crawling UNDER the deck and house, grabbing angry cat and pulling him to safety very, very slowly. Both came out absolutely covered in dirt and neither one was all that happy, but hey...what's a vacation without a little...dilemma.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

EMTs Panic as OJD Morphs Fomr a Psychological Disorder to Physical

Hospital's around the world, though predominantly in the United States, are experiencing the highest number of heart attacks and breathing emergencies in teenage girls than ever before as Kevin Jonas, guitarist and oldest member of the Jonas Brothers, a popular boy band, has his engagement announced. The announcement, made on the boy's myspace by the Jonas Parents themselves has sent the teenage girls (and gay boys) of America into shock. Some are hyperventilating to the point where they can no longer breathe on their own as others suffer nearly fatal heart attacks.

Dr. R. Sole says "It's amazing - we've never seen anything like this. Heart related emergencies are highly abnormal, especially in women between the ages of 1 and 30. However, today alone I have overseen care for at least 14 girls between the ages of 6 and 19 who have needed AED care, CPR, Rescue Breathing or other intense care. I have to admit, I was confused and suspected a horrible epidemic was harming these girls, perhaps a makeup manufacturer was in need of a recall, but then I saw the announcement of the engagement of Kevin Jonas and my mind panicked - this was WAY worse than a makeup faux pas!"

Dr. Fah Q comments "For the first time in my life, I treated a girl who was in danger of death due to having lost too much water in her body." What was the source of the water loss? Dr. Fah Q states that the sudden drop in H2O levels in the girl was due to intense sobbing.

With Drs. R. Sole and Fah Q being only two of MANY medicinally trained professionals experiencing this influx of normally healthy teenagers at hospitals, the country and potentially world may be entering a state of panic.

Swine Flu, move over. OJD, or Obsessive Jonas Disorder, has a higher death toll.

Disclaimer: This was completely fabricated...well, mostly at least - I don't think anyone has checked into the hospital as of yet for these reasons and Dr. R. Sole...well come on guys...I know none of you are that stupid.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

NEVER Eat a Jalapeno Pepper...

Tonight, I actually have something to write about.

I'm going to go in chronological order, so you should at least skip to the end if you're only going to read part of it, because while the first thing is probably funnier, the second part is cooler.

Alright, so first noteable thing that happened tonight, my friends and I went out to Ethiopian Food for dinner and my friend's little brother dared me to eat a jalapeno pepper. Now I don't know what it is about this kid, but he can get me to do stupid taser myself, which, yes, I have done. Anyways, I ate the pepper and while it is an experience that I believe everyone should have, it was PAINFUL!

I felt like my mouth was on fire, and that was just the throat burned, my chest burned, my stomach burned. My friends told me that face was turning bright red, my nose started to smart and run and my eyes began to water SO MUCH that I was full on crying. It was AMAZINGLY tongue felt numb, I STILL can't feel the roof of my mouth.

Anyways, now for the COOL part!

Tonight I went to go see Rent. It's the touring version with Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp, two members of the original cast. Anthony and Adam also both have some noteable film roles:

Adam Pascal has been in movies such as: SLC Punk (Handsome Eddie) and School of Rock (Theo)

Anthony Rapp has been in movies such as: Dazed & Confused (Tony) and Adventures in Babysitting (Daryl)

Aside from the show being ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, the woman who played Maureen was a TOTAL fox. I was staring at her the whole time...anyways, yeah. After the show, my friends and I went out to go see if we could get autographs, which I didn't really know you could do, Julia brought that to my attention. I got a picture with the woman who played Maureen, which was...AMAZING. If I were a guy, I TOTALLY would have had a boner, but I'm not a guy, so...I didn't.

And then Anthony Rapp came out. Which was actually not as cool as meeting the Maureen girl, because she was hotter than he was. At any rate, however, my day was made because he talked to me for about 2 seconds, AND he responded to my question about The Abraham Lincoln Dream (If you know what I mean, you're AMAZING.)

So I will go to bed tonight happy.

As lame and petty as it is, I love adding people to the list of celebrities I've met.

Currently my list:

David Crosby
Carole Kane
John Kerry
Sean Astin
Barack Obama
Gabe Saporta
Nate Novarro
Ryland Blackinton
Alex Suarez
Victoria Asher
Jack Barakat
Alex Gaskarth
Zack Merrick
Rian Dawson
Curtis Salgado
Art Alexakis
Greg Kinnear
Storm Large
Toby Hemingway
Lyle Lovett
Nate Flynn
Pat Brown
Kieran Smith
Christopher "Sick Boy" Lee ((NOT the famous actor))
Ben Peterson
Anthony Rapp

That may not be it...I'm tired. I love you all!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Just...Wow. Holy Fuck.

This video is the most EXCELLENT thing that I have recently viewed.
I have a strange new respect for William Beckett...AND Cobra Starship covered this song. SLASHY MUCH!?

"THREE TIMES A LADY" from William Beckett Jr. on Vimeo.