Bored in Portugal

So basically, our poetry group finished peer editing early and decided to do a write-around poem in class. This is what we ended up with.

Bored in Portugal

I like my Australian power pop vintage
And my favorite bands to have neon girl hair
and the guitars to have two necks
Just because I can.
How about that?

But I like my Swedish power pop modern
with songs about purple hair
and guys who say "how 'bout it then?"
while sporting leather trousers
Just because I can
and for no reason whatsoever.
How about that!

Wow...

I just realize that I've agreed to go back to work for a boss who offered to pay me 100$ and make me business cards if I pretended to be a therapist in order to help his friends get rid of a shitty roommate...I'm wondering if this is a good idea.

Also, on a plot generator, I was told that:

"The story starts when your protagonist admits to a fantasy. Another character is an anesthesiologist who has been stealing your protagonists mail."

To me, this means that my protagonist admits his fantasy in a letter which the anesthesiologist then steals, y/n?

How to Eat a HoneyBell Orange!

So for Christmas, my mom subscribed me to a Fruit of the Month club, so every month, I get a box of fresh fruit, which is AWESOME, just so you know. This month I received a box of nine lovely, big, honeybell oranges. Inside of the box with this oranges was a pamphlet labeled HOW TO EAT A HONEYBELL...along with not one, but two plastic bibs.



At any rate, this pamphlet reads as such:

1. CONSIDER THIS...
a. Is sharing with others actually an idea you can live with?
b. Could you be comfortable as a hero? After you bite into your first juicy sweet HOneyBell, you'll be tempted to hide the box, say nothing, and keep them all for yourself. But... think of the smiles of wonder and delight; the adoration and undying gratitude of your family, friends and neighbors if you share. (Only a few, of course)


2. LOCATE YOUR BIB.
If you're a HoneyBell lover you did not need on step...but if this is your first experience with the world's only limited edition fruit, please note: the bib is NOT just a cute idea! The word juicy, when used to describe HoneyBells is NOT an exaggeration!

3. PUT ON YOUR BIB AND DIVE IN!
...BUT WAIT! You think, is this dignified? How am I going to look? IT doesn't matter this time...wear it anyway. When HoneyBell juice is running down your chin and off your elbows, and you're grinning from year to ear, you'll be so glad you've got your bib and happy too that life could be this good.


My reaction? WOW! Who the fuck writes this shit anyways? I mean there are even pictures in the pamphlet for each of the steps! Jesus!

My Poetic Masterpiece

This is easily the best poem I have ever written in my life.
My teacher wanted an 'animal' poem...and here goes!

My Grandmother's Farm

I stood on the third slat of the rickety, wooden fence.
Wide eyed, curious and confused,
I stared at the llama...
and it stared back.
It's head and feet were tiny
against the fur-fattened body, neck and legs
and it's eyes were glassy
like the marbles I always left around the house.
After a few minutes, I stuck my tongue out
hoping the funny looking animal would mimic
but it just looked at me the way my father does
when I accidentally-on-purpose drop my broccoli on the floor.
I grinned and reached my hand out
closing my grubby fist around some of the llama's matted fur
and without any warning
it spat in my face.

Crap Poetry

This is my sad, sad attempt to write poetry for my English class - there's a reason I don't write poetry. God...ick.

Leaving One

In the dark of the room, two arms, both thin, share an armrest
elbow to elbow, wrist to wrist,
their owners obscured by the chair backs.
A flash of fatal light and a loud 'boom'
cause the hand with the chipped nail polish to flinch.
The arm with the leather-cuffed wrist reaches over
covering the back of the other hand.
Slowly, the bare wrist turns,
stopping only when its palm faces upwards.
Now it's palm to palm and as the fingers lace together,
almost perfectly,
the two separate arms melt together.

Man VS Wild...

So it's just one of those days, you know? The past two days have been like that, really, where all the little things pile up and finally get to you and all that you want to do is get wasted, but you don't drink, so you don't know what to do...some things are hurtful, some depressing and some are just frustrating. I'm not going to name any names on here about the hurtful stuff, but I will tell you about one of the most ridiculous situations. This is actually funny...and crazy.

Since October, two of my guy friends and I have been planning to go hiking. Yesterday I received a phone call from Thing 1 saying that he had had a dream, and his dream told him that, instead of a day hike, we needed to go backpacking...furthermore, his dream declared we go backpacking without a tent! For me...that's just a BAD idea, right? I mean I guess a lot of people go camping without a tent, but I'm not keen on going all "Man Versus Wild" with Thing 1 and Thing 2, so I called Thing 2 and told him about Thing 1's dream. I don't know what excuse HE has to want to go backpacking without a tent - probably to prove his masculinity or some god damned thing...yeah, he too, wants to go tentless.

My plan? Bring a 1 person tent and when it rains and they're cold, laugh my ass off. What do you think?

Pirate Radio - A Monumentally Mis-marketed Movie

So over Winter Break, this little movie came out called Pirate Radio. I had seen trailers for this movie on TV, and I would be lying if I told you that I had expected a Phillip Seymour Hoffman film when I went in. I knew that the movie was being marketed as such, and usually when a film is marketed as a Phillip Seymour Hoffman film, the target audience is an audience with more serious taste. However, this film could not have been more poorly marketed. What I got instead was a bunch of guys and one lesbian on a boat rockin' their socks off with Phillip Seymour Hoffman hanging around in every couple of scenes.

It was amazing...but it also has one of the most misleading trailers of all time.


Yes, from that it appears that "The Count" would be the main character when, in fact, the actor/character that I consider to be the main character was hardly in the trailer at all! And you know what that means, right? It means that you must go and WATCH the film for yourself to see it's true, fucking hilarious, magic. Because I'm an evil bitch, I'm going to give you a sneak peak - try to get you hooked.


I hope that you enjoy this movie, which, by the way, stars: Tom Sturridge, Nick Frost, Tom Brooke, Katherine Parkinson, Chris O'Dowd, Bill Nighy, Rhys Ifans, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Kenneth Branagh, Talulah Riley, Rhys Darby, Tom Wisdom, Jack Davenport and appearances by Gemma Arterton and Emma Thompson.

Have fun watching Pirate Radio...and when you're done, let me know what you think!

You Me At Six - Hold Me Down

,Hold Me Down, released on January 11, 2010, marks the second album by the British band You Me at Six. This band came onto the scene with their first album, Take Off Your Colours and have since been seen in America on Warped Tour 2009 and Fall Ball (with The Academy Is..., Mayday Parade, Set Your Goals and The Secret Handshake). Though they are probably best known for their cover of Lady GaGa's hit Poker Face, You Me at Six's two albums feature songs of a more punk/alternative genre. The band consists of members Josh Franceschi (lead vocals and lyrics), Max Heyler (rhythm guitar and backing vocals), Chris Miller (lead guitar), Matt Barnes (bass guitar) and Dan Flint (drums/percussion). Aside from having set themselves apart from other bands trying to make it in this industry, this five person ensemble puts on a fairly good stage show, displaying energy and passion for not only their music, but the crowd as well.

Now onto their new album! Hold Me Down features a cover even more explosive and eye catching than their first album, and what is inside does not disappoint. Franceschi's style, both lyrically and vocally, are interestingly different than others of their genre. He is not what one might call an A-Level singer, but I find that his unique voice brings something to the plate that other bands cannot offer. Though the majority of the songs on the album are not beautifully poetic, the are far from bad and many of them are highly catchy. Some people might find their louder bass and drumlines a little too much for someone with a voice like Franceschi, but personally, I am a fan of the combination. I recommend finding a copy of this album or, if you have not heard it, their first album. These boys know what they're doing with music, and who would I be kidding if I said they were hard on the eyes? So I suggest that, if you get the chance, you take a look at You Me at Six!

Sammy the Seal Says "Fuck My Life" - My Childhood in Shambles

At work today, while we were waiting for some of the other kids to finish their art projects, a group of three of my campers asked me to read them a book. I instructed them to choose one from the shelves and was quite pleased to seem them bring me a book that I enjoyed a great deal as a child and have not read since.

Some of you may be familiar with/remember the charming little children's book by Syd Hoff called Sammy the Seal. This book is about a seal at the zoo who decides that he would like to take a day off from being at the Zoo to check out the city.

During the course of this book, Sammy the Seal talks to the zoo keeper, asking PERMISSION to leave the zoo as opposed to all of the OTHER children's books where the animal escapes, hangs out down town, is asked for directions by a man in a car, goes to school, takes a taxi cab, sneaks into someone's bathtub and absolutely no one seems to care (except for the bathtub guy, because he wanted to take his bath and the seal interrupted.)

In fact, the only part of this book that seems to be rooted in ANY reality is that when Sammy goes into the school, the children are playing with those nifty letter blocks things - you know what I'm talking about.

Sammy becomes IMMEDIATELY distraught because he doesn't know how to spell! OH MY GOD! SEALS CAN'T SPELL! WHO KNEW?! NOT ME! Anyways, after he angsts for about...a page over not being able to use the blocks to spell simple words like 'cat' and 'toy,' he manages to arrange some of the blocks. They read FML.

Naturally, if I were a seal who was in a school, I would arrange the blocks to read Fuck My Life as well, but since the poor bastard couldn't spell, I suppose FML would have to do, but to see my childhood hero, Sammy the talking, volley ball playing, cab riding seal, declare FUCK MY LIFE, I feel that I no longer have reason to believe in anything. Thanks, Sammy, for abusing my childhood.

Let's Talk Embarassing Moments

Alright, so everyone's all broken up about Panic, well, breaking up, so I've decided that I will detail, in chronological order, three of the stupidest things that I've ever done...at least my favorite three. This was brought on by the reminder of the second event by an old friend.

1. When I was little - maybe six or seven, I used to answer the phone "hello, this is Emily, how may I help you?" This was because my parents had deemed it polite and all that jazz. At any rate, around the same time, during Final Four (NCAA) basketball season, I remember that clearly, the phone rang. My father was watching basketball and he could NOT be dragged from the scree, so I took the call, answering rather horribly with..."Hi, I'm my dad, how may I help you?" This was a COMPLETE accident, I swear to you, it was unintentional. Good fun that.

2. Sophomore year of high school, I was on the phone with my good friend Connie. We talked on the phone A LOT, maybe 2, 3 hours a night because we were on the same cell phone service, so it didn't cost either of us anything to talk to the other. Anyways, it was probably sometime between November and January and I was making hot chocolate while talking to her on the phone. I clearly wasn't focusing, because by the time I was ready to back upstairs, I realized that I had made two mugs - one for me and one for her.

3. Senior year of high school, my friends Jenna, Eleanor and I were partnered up in Biology for the fetal pig dissection. Being about as far from vegetarian as possible, I had no inhibitions about cutting up a still born pig - call me crazy. I was so excited, in fact, that while moving to make an incision, I bumped into the eyewash. The thing went fucking crazy - turned on, water EVERYWHERE, and since no one had ever had to use the eyewash, we managed to accidentally turn it up instead of off. We eventually got the teacher's attention by panicking and screaming.

That concludes today's portion of Em!ly is an Idiot.

Thank you for tuning in!